Post partum

Everyone thinks that I am okay. They assume that I have moved on but in fact I still am bleeding. Seeing my daughter everyday reminds me of the fact that he is not with us physically. I miss his smiles, his crazy antics, his laugh, his assurance, his positive reminders. He always knew what to say when I am already down. It is difficult to be alone. My daughter is my current sanity, but there will always be an empty space. I just wish you are here.

Day 79

It still hurts bhe... I printed some of our photos last night and it reminded me on how happy you have always been. I miss you and your smile, your jokes, your punch lines... I miss everything about you. It is just so sad that this has happened. I miss having you around, making me feel secure and safe. I miss talking to you and the things that we share. I miss it when i have problems and you are just there. I hope that whatever problems I am encountering right now, I hope that you will be there to guide me. I miss you and I will always love you no matter what. I may be showing that I am fine, but I am not. I just miss you so much.

Day 64

I cannot control the tears. Keiceeh has been moving around and she has been showing that she is alive. I imagine you talking to her, making fun of her, telling her you love her. I know you will be so excited to see and feel what I feel right now. I so miss you it hurts... And now, suddenly your aunt and mom messaged me. I am not comfortable with them especially with what they let me feel. I dont think i will be able to withstand them. I know i gave up, but i am not that stupid to still show that I am okay. I miss you so much.

Day 58

i went to the diagnostic center to have my OGTT (checking of sugar level.) I was dizzy and nauseous because of fasting but good thing the results were okay. Then I went to my doctor and I was reminded that you were not there any more. The baby is fine, the heartbeat is strong and we will meet every 2 weeks from now on.

I miss you every day. I miss eating Korean food with you, watching movies with you, going out with you just because I got pissed here. I just miss you and the funny things that we do. I am not sure if I will be able to surpass being a mother to our child without you by my side. I just wish you are here. I know we will be excited for this incoming blessing. I really miss you so much.

Day 55

Today has been a very sleepy day. I saw Arcene, it is just so saddening that someone else is using it. The window and aircon started today as well... 

Day 52

I went to the christening of the son of one of my bestfriends. It was nice seeing some of the old faces that I see almost everyday before. It is nice to cope up with them. I know that I am not close with them, but it is such a nice feeling to be with them at least for a few hours. Then I went to the reunion. It was okay. It was fun seeing the cousins. It is different without you, I think everyone misses your wit and your "kakulitan". It is a bit disappointing that some of the things that I was expecting to see didn't happen. I didn't stay long, I got to talk to your brother, and he also saw what disappointed me. He even said that they really just showed that they didn't want to give in. I told him that is why I give up. I lose. Nothing will change their mind with the decision that they have made. Then, he just told me to just be strong. Then I got a chance to talk to one of the "aunts". She is just so sad to what has been happening in my life right now... I told her that things happen and sometimes, we need to give up in order to have the peace of mind and to be at ease. I know that they support me whatever happens to me. Funny thing is that the people who are supportive of me are the ones that I don't expect. It is just so disheartening that this happens when you left us. I just hope that they will not be able to do this with others. I miss you so much. I hope and pray that the time will come that I will have the strength to face them again. I know that awhile ago you were there with me that is why I didn't feel any awkwardness. I just hope that next time it will be like that again.

Day 51

Today, i went out to pamper myself but then It never happened. It is like you were there and telling me not to go. I know you don't have the patience when it comes to waiting for me, so I think you were there and telling me that someone's waiting for me. 

Another thing, the movie that you have been waiting for is now showing. As much as I would like to watch it, it won't feel right. No one will be telling me the story that I was not able to catch, no one will remond me of what had happened before, no one will be holding my hand while watching, no one will be there to share the moment with me anymore. It will be different, and I don't think that I can handle it for months. This is what we do, not with others. It has always been our tradition. There would be more movies to look forward to, but then I will not be able to watch it. I may cry while watching it eventhough there is no drama in the movie. I just miss you so much... It makes me cry yet again.

Day 50

Today, I was supposed to be learning, but then, I got lazy... KC made me lazy... Hahahaha.... I slept the whole afternoon. It is not me normally, but then i slept. I know that when you were here, we will just be sleeping the whole afternoon... I am pretty sure we will be doing the same. I miss doing things with you. Tomorrow, the movie that you have been waiting will be showing, and i will not be able to watch it because I knowI will not enjoy it. I miss you so much that it hurts me everyday. I may not show it to others because I don't want them to worry too much for me and KC but every day I am reminded of the loss. It is not the same. I miss you so much.... It still hurts me to tell the story to other people. I have been trying to hide it from everyone else. I am not usually the type to cry in front of other people but the fact that it still hurts to say the things that happen to you still makes me cringe. I know I should be used to it already but still it makes my throat close and I just want to stop talking. It really is still painful.

Day 49

I wasn't able to write yesterday due to being tired. I miss having these moments with you. Right now I have been with my family for the couple of days but it is incomplete without you. They are making me feel the same, but it is not the same without you... I still wish you are here... I am missing you badly... It has been a roller coaster for me this week, and I hope that it would be better as the days go by... I miss you so much....

Day 47

Funny how time flies and still it doesn't sink in. Today, I realized that my brothers eill always be there for me. Today, my decision to give up with the battle has been firm. I am giving up. It is just very sad to see  that all your hardwork and sacrifices will not be with the person you have dedicated it with. Don't worry, your daughter will be loved by the people who truly cares for US. I know, you are looking down on me right now, telling me to let it go, don't stress it out, just enjoy the love that is being given by the people who truly loves you, and just continue loving our daughter... 

Day 46

I really don't know right now. When I went in our car, I realize something. It made me realize that whatever earthly possession that you had, it will not cover the fact that you are not there anymore. I realized that to further give me peace of mind, i am willing to give up all the fight. Whatever they decide with your stuff, I'll give the decision to them. But when the time that Keiceeh comes, they should not expect that I will approach them for support. All i am asking for right now with you is for you to guide me and to help me out. I know I can do it without their help. I have been a strong woman since, but please give me more strength to be able to go day after day without you by my side. I will always tell our story to your daughter for she has the right to know. You will not be kept a secret. I will always be proud that you are the father of my daughter. 

Day 45

Today, you should have been in Baguio, taking up your licensure exams, but unfortunately, it didn't happen. I know that if you were here, you would have surpassed the exams and would brag that you are the Top 1. I miss the way you would be so happy to tell me that you made it. The way you would e bragging to me that it was just easy peasy. I just miss you...

Today, i was given the courage to stand up for myself. I know that you are proud of me for saying my piece. It is not normal for me to be like that but I have to say something that I know you would like me to do. The battle has been won. I just hope that it was the right decision. I know that they are pissed at me right now, but i need to stand up. It is not normal for us to weigh the things that we share. But seeing the way they have been treating me, i know i need to speak up. Thank you for the courage. 

Day 44

While watching Father of the Bride, I realized that Keiceeh will not be able to hear your jokes, to spend some time with you, to be able to share milestones with you. You were always excited sharing what you would like to do with our daughter. It is just so saddening that I will be alone to raise our daughter. I miss you so much....

Day 43

It has been 43 days since you left. I am not so sure if I am doing the right thing now. I am going back to my writing passion. It has been difficult for me to release my pains and anger for the past few days. I am still in denial. I still believe that you are here. 2 weeks after you left, that was the time that I found out the gender of our baby. It was difficult to be alone in this momentous life. I know you were there when I found out but it would have been more memorable if you were still there physically. Then I went to see the doctor and she was also shocked to know that you were gone. I think every one doesn't believe. You left me in a situation that I might not be able to handle alone. Good thing that I have the support of your cousins and siblings. I am sure that you are watching over me. I know that you don't like what is going on with my life right now. You left me to deal with the issues that I know you wouldn't care. It has been a very rough situation but I am trying to manage it. I sure hope that everything will be okay in the next couple of weeks. I am praying to you to give me strength to overcome this problems. I am hoping to be okay. I wish you are still here.