Post partum

Everyone thinks that I am okay. They assume that I have moved on but in fact I still am bleeding. Seeing my daughter everyday reminds me of the fact that he is not with us physically. I miss his smiles, his crazy antics, his laugh, his assurance, his positive reminders. He always knew what to say when I am already down. It is difficult to be alone. My daughter is my current sanity, but there will always be an empty space. I just wish you are here.

Day 79

It still hurts bhe... I printed some of our photos last night and it reminded me on how happy you have always been. I miss you and your smile, your jokes, your punch lines... I miss everything about you. It is just so sad that this has happened. I miss having you around, making me feel secure and safe. I miss talking to you and the things that we share. I miss it when i have problems and you are just there. I hope that whatever problems I am encountering right now, I hope that you will be there to guide me. I miss you and I will always love you no matter what. I may be showing that I am fine, but I am not. I just miss you so much.

Day 64

I cannot control the tears. Keiceeh has been moving around and she has been showing that she is alive. I imagine you talking to her, making fun of her, telling her you love her. I know you will be so excited to see and feel what I feel right now. I so miss you it hurts... And now, suddenly your aunt and mom messaged me. I am not comfortable with them especially with what they let me feel. I dont think i will be able to withstand them. I know i gave up, but i am not that stupid to still show that I am okay. I miss you so much.

Day 58

i went to the diagnostic center to have my OGTT (checking of sugar level.) I was dizzy and nauseous because of fasting but good thing the results were okay. Then I went to my doctor and I was reminded that you were not there any more. The baby is fine, the heartbeat is strong and we will meet every 2 weeks from now on.

I miss you every day. I miss eating Korean food with you, watching movies with you, going out with you just because I got pissed here. I just miss you and the funny things that we do. I am not sure if I will be able to surpass being a mother to our child without you by my side. I just wish you are here. I know we will be excited for this incoming blessing. I really miss you so much.

Day 55

Today has been a very sleepy day. I saw Arcene, it is just so saddening that someone else is using it. The window and aircon started today as well... 

Day 52

I went to the christening of the son of one of my bestfriends. It was nice seeing some of the old faces that I see almost everyday before. It is nice to cope up with them. I know that I am not close with them, but it is such a nice feeling to be with them at least for a few hours. Then I went to the reunion. It was okay. It was fun seeing the cousins. It is different without you, I think everyone misses your wit and your "kakulitan". It is a bit disappointing that some of the things that I was expecting to see didn't happen. I didn't stay long, I got to talk to your brother, and he also saw what disappointed me. He even said that they really just showed that they didn't want to give in. I told him that is why I give up. I lose. Nothing will change their mind with the decision that they have made. Then, he just told me to just be strong. Then I got a chance to talk to one of the "aunts". She is just so sad to what has been happening in my life right now... I told her that things happen and sometimes, we need to give up in order to have the peace of mind and to be at ease. I know that they support me whatever happens to me. Funny thing is that the people who are supportive of me are the ones that I don't expect. It is just so disheartening that this happens when you left us. I just hope that they will not be able to do this with others. I miss you so much. I hope and pray that the time will come that I will have the strength to face them again. I know that awhile ago you were there with me that is why I didn't feel any awkwardness. I just hope that next time it will be like that again.

Day 51

Today, i went out to pamper myself but then It never happened. It is like you were there and telling me not to go. I know you don't have the patience when it comes to waiting for me, so I think you were there and telling me that someone's waiting for me. 

Another thing, the movie that you have been waiting for is now showing. As much as I would like to watch it, it won't feel right. No one will be telling me the story that I was not able to catch, no one will remond me of what had happened before, no one will be holding my hand while watching, no one will be there to share the moment with me anymore. It will be different, and I don't think that I can handle it for months. This is what we do, not with others. It has always been our tradition. There would be more movies to look forward to, but then I will not be able to watch it. I may cry while watching it eventhough there is no drama in the movie. I just miss you so much... It makes me cry yet again.